Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
