Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
