oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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