She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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