i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
