Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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