He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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