my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize