can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
