she woke up with a sticky ear
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
