I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize