Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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