she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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