we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
