my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
