I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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