Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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