Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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