he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She bit a glass in half.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
