So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
