I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
