just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
