Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
