you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
