He uses pillows to masturbate.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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