Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
