There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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