also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
