I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
