So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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