I molested 6 butterflies tonight
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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