Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
