I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
