This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
