He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
