Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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