I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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