i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
