I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
