if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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