note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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