Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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