it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize