mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
