Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
