I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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