I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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