I wish my penis had an off switch
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
