Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
