I wish I could punch you in the face.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
