I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
