Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize