I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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