He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize