Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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